By Constance Clancy, ED.D, Licensed Mental Health Therapist

Julie and Matt are a married couple who have entered counseling for the first time to receive guidance for multiple marital issues.  They have been married for eight years and have three children, ages 10, (from Julie’s first marriage) 5 and 3. 

Matt has his own construction company and Julie works in a retail shop four days a week. Julie and Matt are both in their late 20’s.  Matt made the initial contact and scheduled an appointment individually.  The presenting problem stemmed from a domestic dispute between the couple one evening after they had been partying with a group of friends.  Alcohol was involved with both of them when they began to argue.  The police were called. Matt was arrested and spent the night in jail.  Not only was there a legal issue, but also serious marital issues were spiraling out of control for the couple.  A judge ordered that Matt receive individual counseling.  Matt knew he needed help for many reasons.  He also knew that for the marriage to be saved, both he and Julie needed counseling.

Matt initially expressed frustration about finances.  They were not maintaining a budget according to their income level nor living within their means.  Matt said his wife was unsupportive and told him he should be working harder and making more money.  He felt as though he did everything, from working hard daily to coming home and caring for the children.  He saw Julie as not doing anything to help around the house with domestic chores or tending to the children’s needs.  He described their house as “always a mess.” He admitted that he likes things neat and is a bit of a perfectionist.  Matt accused Julie of spending too much time with her girlfriends who had money and maids.  He admitted to having an underlying fear that the couple might end up divorced as his own parents had after years of an abusive marriage. 

Matt had previously been in a treatment facility for drug abuse when in college.  He denied using drugs then but admitted that he now occasionally “drinks too much.”  Matt expressed his commitment to working on himself, including enrolling in anger management classes, but he also felt it would require both of them in counseling for the marriage to get “back on track.”

Julie scheduled an initial counseling appointment within a few days of Matt’s initial consultation.  Julie admitted how embarrassing it was to discuss the incident that got them into counseling and how “stupid” it was to drink too much and get into such a mess.  She provided a history of this type of situation in her own family of origin. She grew up being criticized by her parents and never feeling “good enough.”  She admitted that she honestly did not know if she could stay married to someone who treated her with similar disrespect.  Further, she thought that Matt favored their two younger children and picked on their older child because he was not Matt’s son.  Julie also saw Matt as a serious procrastinator so that she ended up doing all the chores that Matt was supposed to do, and in her view, after she cooked and cleaned, he criticized her efforts. She said she often felt hurt and left out because Matt did not share with her any of his work experiences, as though he didn’t think she was the least bit interested. 

It was evident that Julie’s self-esteem was at an all-time low.  She did not know how to speak assertively; instead, she became passive and waited until she could not stand Matt’s criticisms anymore, at which point she became aggressive, angry and exploded.  We discussed the mismanagement of her anger, how she learned the basic pattern growing up, and now doesn’t know how to change it.  She concluded she was “not good enough,” especially in Matt’s eyes, felt that everything she did was “wrong,” and there was nothing she could do to please him.  She admitted that she did not like confrontation, therefore her number one coping technique was avoidance to handle her stress in the marriage.  Julie did, however, agree to a couple’s session despite her anger toward Matt, adding that she made “no guarantees” that she would “stick out the marriage.” 

The following week both Matt and Julie came to a session together. I summarized my initial sessions with them both.  They both seemed to understand the patterns they were repeating from their own family of origin.               

Matt agreed to stop drinking (although he has done this before and started again).  He said he was not ready to enter any program because he was “not an alcoholic.”  He was aware, he said, of the emotional and legal consequences should he drink again.   

Julie admitted to wanting “harmony” in the relationship, but she honestly couldn’t see beyond “the hurt she felt from Matt.” 

We discussed some of the endearing qualities they both liked in each other when they met that brought out the positive qualities in each of them.  Their homework for the week was to make a list of those positive qualities so we could discuss them in our next session. 

In week two with Julie and Matt, we reviewed a rather impressive list of the qualities they admired in one another.  I explained a system that I believed could help them understand themselves and each other by bringing out their strengths.  They expressed an interest in the self-test I wanted each of them to take called The BrainStyles Assessment©.  I went on to describe that a brainstyle is the particular set of gifts that you were born with.  Learning about those gifts, each of them would begin to see and understand their own strengths as well as the strengths of their partner’s brainstyle. I told them they would learn to make positive changes in their lives and marriage without changing who they are as core individuals, each with a set of unique gifts.  Once they received their chart summaries, they would be better able to apply their own brainstyle at home and also at work. 

The week in between their second and third session, Julie and Matt took their assessments.  When we met for our third appointment, they were anxious to discuss their brainstyles and what each meant.  They both said they felt they were making headway in the counseling sessions by having an objective person see their whole picture and assist in a renewal of their relationship. 

We examined Matt’s summary first.  His brainstyle scored as that of a Deliberator. I shared with the couple how Matt uses his whole brain to make delayed decisions.  He gathers the facts, analyses, and then draws a conclusion.  Matt admitted that he doesn’t share much information with Julie about his work because he feels she would be “bored” listening to it.  The couple began discussing their breakdown in communication and some of the reasons became clearer once they heard the Deliberator’s brainstyle described. 

We looked at Julie’s summary to see that she fit the description of a Conciliator brainstyle.  The couple realized they were dealing with two very different ways of thinking about things. I described that a Conciliator uses the right brain first, to make emotional, quick decisions.  Julie laughed as she realized this described her.  Because her strengths focus on relationships, it also made sense to her that her feelings had been “crushed” by Matt’s quiet, more reserved way of keeping things to himself⎯which finally exploded with his drinking.  We then addressed how these are quite complementary: the Conciliator brings spontaneous energy while the Deliberator brings a more stable, private, laid back and thoughtful approach to the relationship. 

As we discussed conflict, they realized that their arguments often occurred over little things.  Because both brainstyles tend to avoid conflict, they could never address or resolve the really serious issues at hand; thus, they are in the fix they are in today. 

BrainStyles Solutions with Timing  

As our sessions continued, Julie described how she liked to wake up on a Saturday morning and decide right then where to go and what to do with the family for the day.  She described how Matt could not handle a quick decision, preferring to plan ahead.  She, on the other hand, couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just go and have fun. They quickly created a solution that required both their strengths and their individual timing, called a BrainStyles Strengths Contract™.  Julie agreed to offer her ideas for the weekend during the week.  Matt could then have a few days to think about the options, weigh them, and then the night before they would decide together what they would do for the family. 

Another issue for the couple is Matt’s need for control, for instance, of the household chores.  Remember Julie’s complaint? She thought that Matt criticized her work as far from perfect. The BrainStyles System^® teaches why Deliberators have a hard time delegating.  Matt fit the profile perfectly: Julie’s chores in the home were assessed against Matt’s conclusion that “he would have done a better job.”  We discussed Matt’s high standards and his perfectionism as one of his strengths that, when used to criticize, bothers Julie, a Conciliator, who takes things personally and feels “very inadequate” when Matt judges and criticizes her work.  I explained to Julie that taking things personally was actually a strength that allows her to be aware of and express her feelings.  She then began to understand how a “non-strength” of hers was the strength of her Deliberator husband, and vice versa.  Matt can be more neutral and objective; Julie can be more feeling and spontaneous.  Julie also realized that she was attempting to live up to Matt’s brainstyle-based expectations, which inevitably resulted in disappointment for them both. The couple made the decision to hire a housekeeper for three hours a week to help keep things orderly and Matt would do the laundry twice a week, since he wants his clothes folded a certain way.  This way, Matt is letting go of some control (delegating), and not expecting Julie to get things perfect, while remaining involved in household chores and being a positive role model for the children. 

This brought up another issue with the children.  Matt believes the children should all have tasks to work on daily.  Julie claims she gives them chores, but they don’t follow through. Matt thinks that Julie is a “pushover” and does not use assertiveness and consistency with the kids.  We discussed Julie’s Conciliator brainstyle that has admitted difficulty with setting limits, follow-through, and confrontation.  We made a list of age-appropriate, specific chores for the children and discussed some parenting techniques for both Matt and Julie.  We also focused on what the couple saw as strengths in the children in order to focus on building self-confidence and esteem by bringing out their strengths.  I recommended that they have family meetings once a week to discuss what was working and not working so we could address those areas in our sessions. 

Daily Wins

As they learned how to complement one another’s strengths, Matt established the Quicken computer program and Julie took over the checkbook.  They then made a grocery list together and resisted impulse items that were adding another twenty-five dollars onto their weekly bill. 

The couple applied a Strengths Contract to continue focusing on their own strengths while honoring the strengths of this partner’s gift, which they need because it is exactly what they don’t do well.  As they learned to leverage their own strengths and accept the hardwiring of their brains, they began to work in sync in their marriage. 

As the weeks passed, Julie and Matt used their counseling sessions to recognize more strengths in the other and de-emphasize the other’s non-strengths.  When issues between the two arose, they focused on their Strengths Contract and began practicing forgiveness while learning not to bring up the past, which had been a previous roadblock to their healing. 

Julie and Matt both kept their BrainStyles summary sheet where they had regular access to review them. 

They also planned quiet time together twice a week after the children were in bed to discuss their own relationship and work things through. 

As we continued to work together, Matt and Julie felt that their love for each other grew out of the respect that was increasing for one another.  With this growth in respect, a maturity was evident in each of them.  Matt continued his sobriety, worked through all his legal problems, and attended anger management classes.  Julie still struggles with accepting herself as a woman, wife, mother and “being good enough,” but she has taken a huge step by learning about her strengths and beginning to honor those strengths.  Doing so has greatly contributed to her belief in herself for perhaps the first time in her life. 

While Matt and Julie both agree that while their marriage has had its share of problems, they are committed to staying together and working out their differences. 

*Constance Clancy, Ed.D, is a family therapist and psychotherapist based in Sanibel Island, Florida, and Aspen, Colorado.  She is also licensed as a BrainStyles® Instructor/Coach.